in the night i see floods.
is it an omnipresent longing
to feel water fill my lungs,
and blanch my skin?
i imagine this is soul
pushing out against
of bulging eyes…
the pain is comprised
of lies, you once had to hear
now i’m satisfied i’ll finally
feel every bit of your tears.
i will stay
for the extent of those days,
never trying to pry myself from
i’ll accept.. no…invite…
the entire weight of an ocean
to inflate my thoughts,
and compress my form.
maybe i’ll understand
your emotions then.
i’ll find a way to enjoy the
punishment i know i’m deserving of..
not in a sadistic bout of masochism,
but to relieve me of an undying guilt
that tastes like grey chalk on my tongue.
if this is what’s necessary,
then so be it.
as long as when the tides return home
i fall back to your mud finger first
once again feeling what it’s like
to leave an impression on your soft
landing on sands
i once molded into castles
that eventually became stone,
once masons finally transcribed
i’ve been hoping, praying,
this night could last forever.
wasting far too much energy
wishing away an exhausting sun,
anxious to come draw life from your undulating body.
recursively drying your surface
to a crumbling clay, cursing us to another reality that tastes like crushed brick
between our teeth…
i don’t know how long i’ve been under.
in this brittling, belittling grave, or if it’s arrogant to believe i’ll ever actually taste
the healing effects of pure air again,
or why i tried to paint your image
a thousand times on an evasive transmissible surface that perpetually took you away from me.
locked in my own insanity
thinking maybe i just had the colors wrong…
i know the scent was right.
i remember that much.
the voice too,
that was flawless.
the way you whispered screams.
“open your eyes”
i couldn’t tho
it stung too much.
like waking up early
from sunday morning dreams.
would you do it for me?
would you search your deepest blues
to unchain me from a towering floor?
when you got there,
would you open your chest
to hold my treasures
and poisons safely next to each other?
will you hate me when
you enter to save me
and see the last version
i cast, streaming past,
because i thought at last
she was just like you?
she was close, i thought..
… until she gave away my secrets
to people happy to keep them.
did i deserve it?
i knew their faces weren’t yours.
i was weak.
desperate for your touch.
i tried to remember the best i could,
but it’s been so long since i’ve seen home.
so long that it feels like maybe it’s a place
i made up long ago in the middle of nothing… just to feel like i belonged here on this empty red planet they stuck me on.
i know there’s a place away from this silk web where you wait for my finished face
to come back.
so let them pick me clean if you must,
but if you absolutely have to let it play this way, if i for some reason deserve this pain, allow them to apply it slowly… to show me..
i need something that will help me remember to never return.