+ man on memorex. woman in gold.

as i boiled into bubble

my blood and skin

mixed into a kind of malleable clay

that i was able to shape

into smaller versions

of people i missed.

even though i could see

they weren’t really there with me.

present at least.

when i was done

they were hardened by the same sun

crisping my

physical reality into black

sand beaches capping remnants

of a rusted ocean.

i hold my last breath 

until the humor is too much,

and the air escapes on a laugh…

 

“i’m finally shore of myself.”

 

something is really real here,

not the type of reality they

repeat endlessly until it’s a realm,

but something is authentic

next to this boundless coast.

here where new grains 

are being pushed ashore 

in the underflow of every wave…

each bit an old memory

from a different life,

of which i’ve had many.

it’s been said i repeat my stories,

many times,

but only because i like

to hide my treasures

from an always observing world.

dig further

can’t you see my repetition begs it?

pull mud from my body,

smear it on your chest

bury yourself in my dirt.

i’ll beg of you,

please… don’t let me 

burn away completely

before seeing how many times i’ve

died inside for this one life.

the surface is free,

you can have just that,

if you can’t love me whole.

i’ve given it,

my love that is,

many times,

emptily,

recklessly,

desperate for a finale.

for the one to come

pierce it’s firewall.

she who stole

my stone heart

and swore

to remove the sword

so, if you’re sure

i’m not important

enough to explore,

than leave me unseen.

that’s how far outside 

you’ve stayed this time,

waiting for answers…

so i’d repeat the obvious,

but i promise this.

should you ever try

to climb into my fire,

where its benign light

waits for you to touch

its ignition,

you’d see me shine a gold pigment

that could carry a current

across the edge of a universe.

ask me questions

that unlock my soul…

i will answer.

consider the gaps…

slip through them.

oh… it’s all about me again.

until you see,

my purest memory 

is of you.

it will always be the last to go.

the way we looked in snow

packed windows

waiting to be picked up

after school got out.

you touch my laces,

and ask why i tie my

shoes like that…

“show me the right way”

i’d always say…

and you always would.

always.

there’s a reason i wanted to

do it all…

so i could give it back to 

you the way you

gave it to me.

completely.

your syrupy brown eyes,

glowing amber under 

phosphorus spears,

captured by the snap

of my vulnerable lids

brought stillness

to my frenetic world,

like two tree’s

that could bridge

heaven to the ground.

remember when garrett

tried to pierce my ear?

you told me he was trying 

to ruin me.

he’d show up again,

many times,

different names,

different phases,

always to create holes in me.

i remember when you

told me there was nothing

to prove by damaging myself.

we were so innocent then.

my dad would always call 

to say he couldn’t make it 

to pick me on time,

and you’d always tell your mom

you wanted to stay late with me

and she’d always let you

even though i thought she hated me.

the wild boy with sloppy hair

who was never careful

when jumping from new heights.

eventually, when my dad didn’t show,

my teacher would bring me home,

and ask me if it was love.

i’d look at her seriously,

and tell her i’d fight ghosts for you

the rest of my life.

which was how i quantified 

my feelings at the time,

and now too.

she’d tell me to buckle up,

we didn’t want to get hurt.

i’d tell her not to worry.

i’m always alone for the crash.

we were quiet for the rest of

the ride until we reached my house

when she’d tell me.

“brett, i’ll always get you home safe.”

i’d smile back slyly 

before running inside…

“you know… one day i’ll bring you home.”

“oh yeah, when will that be?”

“as soon as you get back.”

“you’re a curious little boy brett.”

“i know, but one day. i promise.”

and i always keep my promises…

eventually.

until then i’ll sit patiently 

in the middle of this

exploding sun,

constantly burning through the space 

we’ve created between us.

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